Goodbye and Good Riddance

I kept silent for a long time, but then I got tired of acting like everything is fine. It’s draining. I didn’t want to face the problem as I was not ready for it. I don’t need more stress. For weeks I went out everyday and every night I stayed out late. I go home only when i’m exhausted and I’m sure I can easily fall asleep. I enjoyed spending time with my friends more. They make me laugh. They make me happy. But some nights I felt empty. Then, I stopped going out. I told myself it’s okay to be sad. It’s alright to cry and be hurt. It’s time to face what’s bothering you. You don’t have to cover up anything since you’re just at home. It’s just a phase. And I know it won’t last for so long. Just like old times, cry and cry until you feel fine. You’re ready and you’re done avoiding what needs to be fixed. I was in denial. Simply because I tried to see the good in the bad.

I’m definitely far from perfect. I am NOT a Saint. I make mistakes. I make bad decisions. I am short-tempered and hot headed. For four years my patience was pushed to its limits. I mess up, but I don’t screw anyone in my past knowing that my guy won’t like it. Being friends with them was an issue and I have learned. From that moment that you decided to try again, I dropped everything. Everything that could lead to issues of jealousy, insecurity or worse be accused of entertaining. But not you. You certainly didn’t. You did things behind my back that you know would make me mad. You told me you chose me. But did you really? Completely? Heh.

“I’m not demanding, I wanted to feel worthy without requesting. I think I deserve that much. It was tiring to give your all to someone who doesn’t give the same effort.”

My biggest mistake was giving chance to the thought of ‘us’, cause you wanted to try. For giving you chances everytime you came back to me. For forgiving you when you apologize, knowing that you will do the same thing again. How could I not know what kind of person you are? for years you made it sure our friends would be mad at me for small things just because you can’t get what you want. Geez. You called me your “friend” but you did things behind my back. I never seemed to fathom that that was the sign. Now I know why I kept rejecting you before, because you are not in any way good for me or for any of us. It really should’ve stayed that way. You are so insecure of the ‘bad boys’ chosen by all the girls you’ve courted before that you became one yourself. A real one. lol. Those are ‘bad boys’ who are actually good when you get to know them. They are a better choice over ‘good boys’ who only acts like an angel, but is actually not. You are a coward. Heh.

You complain that she's crazy, but that's only because you drive her crazy. You complain that she has trust issues, but that's only because you've caused too many issues for her to trust you. You complain that she can't believe anything you tell her, but that's only because you've told her one too many lies. You complain that she's always getting mad over stupid shit, but that's only because you continue to do a lot of stupid shit that makes her mad. You complain that she's always picking fights with you, but that's only because you don't care enough to pay attention to the mistakes you repeatedly make. You complain and complain and complain, but you are the reason why she is everything she is right now. -Preach It ----Too accurate for me. You never listened when I tried to open up. You only get mad at me for calling out your behavior.

Thank you for all your lies and bullshit. I always find things out but I kept mum. I put my walls up and guarded my heart more. Thank you for all the things you put me through, though it made me become my worst (that I never realized I could ever be), it made me stronger. I have fought for myself, for us, for happiness. I will never let other people lower my standards just because they can’t reach them. Thank you for setting aside my feelings everytime. So I started to feel uncertain of everything. Thank you for making me feel like I’m hard to love. And that I’m hard to understand. Thank you for making me the crazy one, so all of them blamed me for how we always ended up. When in fact, it was you who can’t keep up. It was you who can’t keep your word. It was you who always lied. It was you who acted like a girl instead of real man in a relationship. I’ve already seen all the flaws. You scold me for reading a lot of articles when I tell you I deserve more? I deserve to be treated right. I deserve better. Haha. You’re just lazy. You’re too comfortable. You might think relationships don’t need much in order to grow. It has to be fueled. It was supposed to be give and take. Not just take and take. Tss, It’s finally a goodbye to the pain of damned lies. To “she messaged me first” “we haven’t talked for so long” “it’s just a picture” etc. I’m not that foolish to believe those things. I was only foolish for giving chances. You didn’t even have the basic human decency. You let me down again and again with the same reasons. Why?... I shouldn’t have been with someone who turns to other girls whenever we’re going through a problem. The same people who was once an issue. Alamak. Point out a bit of a problem and you’ll go wandering and running away. Thank you for leaving at the time I needed you most. When I was there for you all these years. You were never able to handle me at my worst. And you gave up on me whenever shit gets real. Sorry for being a bitch when you gave me reasons to be. You didn't even took time to ponder, reflect on your wrongdoings or apologize.

I’m stupid right? For keeping up with all of these. I may be dumb, but I’m not numb. I just wanted to share all the love that I can give. I tried so hard to be enough for you. I tried to be good, so you’ll be the same with me. I was always there when you needed someone to listen over your family and work issues. I took care of you everytime you were sick, but when I’m the one who’s sick? HAHA. No comment. I didn’t need to be taken care of materialistically, only my well-being. I am partly to be blamed for everything I went through. I disrespected myself for thinking of settling for less than what I deserve. I allowed it to happen to me. I blamed myself thinking I was not understanding enough. I drowned. I lost myself in the process of loving someone who was not ready for me. I just wanted to be loved not exactly the way I do, but just enough to try to match my efforts.

I’ve ruined my life for toxic people that drained me. And they benefited from someone like me at the cost of my own self- destruction.

Not to worry now. I refuse to be bitter over someone who did not see my worth. Someone who doesn’t deserve a single tear from my precious eyes. It’s time I look out for myself. I don’t want to remember the misery more than the days we were happy. I already let it go. I am so done with the memories of this tragic, toxic and dysfunctional relationship. I am done with your half-assed love. It’s finally over. No more blame games. Goodbye to years of on and off relationshit. No more worries. No more stress. Goodbye to the horrors of it. Hello to a happy life without the crazy meltdowns. Cheers to better choices. It's time to be the lover I want, for myself. It's time to be me again. The one who looks snobbish and serious but is actually funny(?) and gentle on the inside. :)

“Look back one last time. But then never look back again. Leave it all behind you. What’s coming is far more exciting.” – The Better Man

Guys, it’s okay not to be okay. Let it consume you for a while, reflect and the get over it :)

P.S.

Mis, I owe you a lot for being there for me when I needed someone but wanted to keep quiet about everything that's going on. I know you're fed up with 'us'. haha. Sorry! Di nauuntog. Di natatauhan. :) Kidding aside, thank you for having my back and for listening when i'm trying to share his side. For our case, we learned not to judge easily and give the benefit of the doubt cause we don't know the whole pov of the other party. Thank you for not judging my decisions, even though you're not a fan. hahaha. Tragic. I know you only want what's best for me, but you still supported my choices because it's what I thought would make me happy at that time. You let me learn from my mistakessss and believed that I can always get back up. Thank you for every little thing.